Agreed, that's how I've laid it out to her to help her understand the problems she's having. We 100% have spark and fuel, yet it struggles.

We have compression on all cylinders, but hardly. Seems to me that the lack of comoression would be a good indicator of why it struggles trying to fire up.

Turns out the car has o my been sitting since around early July, which changes the timeline a bit. Just discovered that last night, (she's bad with dates it seems...), so I don't think it's gas.

I will be checking the timing belt out very thoroughly later today. I'm not sure how to know if the #1 piston is at TDC with the head still on, or if that's even possible with this car, but I'll figure something out.

What's blowing my mind is that now all of a sudden this oil is classic chocolate milk, indicative of coolant mixing. But good God for the head gasket to have blown enough that there's a leak in every cylinder for the compression to be like this... Doesn't seem right.