'06 Aveo cranks, but won't start. Running out of options

[avguy]

... but I'm hoping like hell she didn't warp the head...

Most of us DIYers don't have what's required to check for true, so you are going to take it to a machine shop, correct? It would be a major kick in the a$$ to reassemble, only to find it still has problems. Also plan on doing a couple of immediate oil changes, and a coolant flush, once it's back and running ok.

The one thing you need to cross your fingers (and toes) about is the effect of coolant dilution on prior lubrication of rings and bearings. The part about her running it for a while and getting worse over time sounds potentially ominous but, since there's nothing you can do about that, no sense in worrying about it.